Managing Pain PTSD

At my lowest point…

…I actually stopped opening my computer. The unconscious pain triggered a resounding, “NOPE” as I considered sitting at my chair to do the work that required my two external monitors. I tried sitting in bed and that was okay – but I was limited on what I could accomplish. In this time, my confidence in my ability to excel in my chosen occupation diminished. Over and over I would start and stop, start and stop, and barely get anywhere.

So, I get the extent that pain can affect people at work. And I empathize with every ounce of my soul and spirit.

This week, in my stumbling about trying to cope with what I do recognize as a trauma response coupled with a resolute desire to over come what had become a downward spiral (kersplat!), my self talk/actions became grounded in what I am going to term “Living in Craft”.

First let’s start with the pain part. In my practical viewpoint these are my pain stressors:

• 🦵 Muscle Pain (Somatic): After a lengthy illness (long COVID) almost all exercise causes stiffness 😩 so getting into a new movement habit. Prior to becoming a desk jockey instead of an equine jockey (english trainer) my internal core was super strong and stabilized the effects of my congenital scoliosis. Yoga was easy. Now I can barely get through a flow. In addition:
  • The really hard bit to overcome is the jaw pain that is legacy from when I was kicked in the jaw by a horse (but I lived through it!) and, at this point, have cycled through:
    • 🩺 Stage 1 → 2 (After Injury): The trauma caused swelling and possibly a disc displacement. The popping/clicking and temporary locking meant the disc was still moving but unstable.
    • Stage 3 (Now): The disc has probably stopped reducing (returning to position). The grinding or grating is the bone of the condyle moving against the temporal bone without that cushion. The 30 mm opening suggests fibrosis or muscle contracture — the joint capsule and muscles may have shortened to protect the area.
  • Secondary to that but equally deterring is the hip pain. My mother told me I was born with my hip rotated in the socket. Who knows what that really means but I do know I have scoliosis in my lower back.
    • Sitting for prolonged periods trigger this
    • Also walking and running is a no no
• ⚡ Nerve Pain (Neuropathic): The same kick to the jaw and (I suspect) an injury from an over-rotated, land on your back ‘penny flip’ as a kid – has evolved into pretty severe cervical spine issues. THIS is the pain that causes me the most PTSD. From a 2018 MRI:
  • Severe spondylosis at C4-5, C5-6, C6-7 with the most significant level of abnormality at C5-C6 where there is canal stenosis with anterior cord flattening, severe bilateral foraminal narrowing. In affect this means I have advanced neck arthritis causing crowding and pressure on both the spinal cord and the nerves that go to your arms — particularly bad at the C5–C6 level.
    • I have a new MRI in a month – more on that to come. One step towards finding a solution.
  • At this point I experience severe numbness in my hands when I wake and discomfort at large
    • After resigning myself to needing to sleep, I started back up on the gabapentin. This causes some brain-fog along with other side effects such as sleepiness but I wake much more functional that I was. More on that to come.
• 💔 Emotional or Mental Pain (Anguish)
  • Distress from grief, trauma, or loss
    • Long standing grief over the loss of functionality of my jaw, and also my career as a horse trainer which lingers even now.
    • Trauma associated with the pain itself causes me to go into avoid any activity that exacerbates it.
  • Feels like: Heaviness, emptiness, heartache.
  • Connection: Activates the same brain regions as physical pain.

---

Why acknowledge this through sharing my story?

Because – even at the lowest times – I have had access to healthy versions of therapy. In addition to the animals, I have extensive training (informal) in wellness and yoga techniques that – when I can get out of my head an do offer me some reprieve. The “Living in Craft” series has arisen because I have been as such a low point with very little assistance that I have HAD to get out of bed and start somewhere. I have tried this several time since 2022 when the problems really began (long COVID) but this time it feels a lot more like a do or die scenario. So here we go!